2020 has been quite the year for a lot of us. Something not many are talking about is how it is affecting those of us with mental health issues. Some of us stuck to our routines in the beginning and fell off. Some people have been able to stick through it. Others have ebbed and flowed; myself included. I can’t speak for everyone, but I can tell you that as someone who has struggled with anxiety, depression, eating disorders, and ADHD the last 7 months have really thrown me for a loop.
At the end of 2019, I decided to take 2020 off from competing. There were a lot of reasons behind this and regardless of what they all were my heart just wasn’t pulling me in that direction. I’ve been into health and fitness for as long as I can remember. My mother put me in dance classes basically the moment I started walking. This morphed into running, boxing, group fitness classes, weight lifting, racing, and eventually competitive bodybuilding. My love for fitness was strong for a majority of my life. I would take some time off here and there, but always went back. After hurricane Irma in 2017, I only took 3 weeks off before I felt ready to get back to the gym.
For a very long time, I knew my “why”. Through the ups and downs of life there was always a reason behind why I moved my body the way I did. If I’m being honest, they weren’t always good reasons. Regardless of negative or positive there was a “why”. When I decided not to compete I wanted to continue moving my body in the same manner as I had been because it felt good. However, there were days I would feel anxiety and guilt over NOT moving my body. These feelings were all too familiar and in an attempt to work on that, I began listening to my body instead of pushing it further. This included taking some time away from the gym when we were on vacation to be more present. I still worked out, ran, and walked but I did what felt good even though I did not feel good in my body - a topic for a different day.
Upon returning from vacation, our world was quickly flipped, turned upside down. March 14th 2020 was my last workout in a gym for a very long time. I continued to workout in my house for a few months, I had structure. This continued until one day I was just tired. My head was busy and the mere thought of doing anything other than walking my dog made me so anxious I couldn’t breathe. So, I took some time off. 4 weeks of not touching a single weight. In the beginning, it felt wrong and after 2 weeks I gave myself some grace. I had also gotten bored and found myself not loving it anymore It’s no coincidence this all happened when it did because as much as it looked from the outside that I was taking care of myself, I wasn’t. In fact, in hindsight, my excessive exercise in the beginning of the pandemic was a coping mechanism for the tornado that was my brain.
It’s been a struggle to get back into a consistent routine since August, but not for lack of trying. The balance of feeling good physically and mentally has been a struggle. I decided to take tap lessons again - my why was SO clear. Tap dancing is something that makes me feel happy, it’s a new challenge to my body and brain. My walks with Maho have also been more frequent because it is one of few things that makes my brain clear.
The consistency in other workouts isn’t there. When I do them it feels great, so why wouldn’t I want to continue? That’s just it… why? I’d lost it. I said to a dear friend of my that it had finally dawned on me, I didn’t have a why. I don’t have any current physique goals except to be a bit leaner, which I don’t want to put the work into right now because I’m enjoying where life is and puts too much pressure on my already sensitive mind frame. It’s not a strong enough “why”. This morning, I heard a Ted Talk about the benefits of exercise which may have piqued my interest in making strength training or strenuous exercise a more frequent thing, but maybe not. Listening to my body and taking care of my mental health is something that I ignored for a long time, so right now it feels most important.
If you’re struggling with trying to get into exercise or better eating habits, ask yourself “Why?”. When your why isn’t strong you won’t have the passion to push forward. Even the people who say “you don’t need motivation, you need dedication” have a why.
You have to be true to yourself and not worry about what others think. It’s taken me a long time and a lot of work to get where I am today.
I’m not always motivated, but I am dedicated to feeling good. Right now, my mental health needs that focus.
